Long before Psy was winning hearts and minds with his neon suits and stable-based hilarity, Korean man-children Big Bang were singing, dancing, and emotionally girning their way to fame and fortune with a heady mix of heavy beats, inscrutable rap, and guyliner. Best known for their 2012 pan-Asian hit 'Fantastic Baby', which surprisingly is not an ode to great toddlers, the group are a musical powerhouse in their homeland and neighbouring Japan. But it hasn’t been an easy road for the five lads. Before they’d successfully synthesised their blend of thumping base, cartoonish costume, and questionable sexual orientation into one magnificent if slightly chaotic whole, they (or rather their managers) were fumbling through girls’ manga and the detritus of 90s MTV to produce things that look like the glorious eye-fart that is the ‘Haru Haru’ video.
It’s got it all – love triangles, alley fights, terminal illness, underground car park rap battles. All played out by people who look like they may still be in the sweaty grip of puberty. Their acting is superb though. Never have I seen a group of young men so enthusiastically run a gauntlet of emotions ranging from ‘love’ to ‘pain’ to ‘homoerotic animosity’ to ‘constipation’. They convey these feelings subtly, by throwing chairs at things, and tearing out clumps of their own hair.
We open a man sitting in a car, not driving. This happens quite a bit in this video. I suspect it is because no one in the group is old enough to legally hold a licence.
A man in a white denim sleeveless jacket and his girlfriend are having a moment … in a alley, because why would you have an intimate conversation in the comfort and privacy of your own home when there’s a perfectly good condom-strewn backstreet just around the corner?
Then these chumps show up and just sort of stand around looking like a group of Year 9 students embarrassed that they got a little too excited about own clothes day.
I think this is meant to convey his angst. … Or could be nausea.
Then the girl just sort of bobs off like an amicable jellyfish, and our protagonist squares up to his nemesis, White Denim Sleeveless Jacket Guy.
The other people mainly hover around uncomfortably, occasionally making really feeble attempts at breaking up the ‘fight’.
They needn’t have bothered, though, because both guys are too scared of messing up their eye makeup to do any actual fighting. The nearest it comes to violence is when this defenceless bin gets kicked over.
It’s really just a very long game of gay chicken. Which I think they both lost …
Or won. Depending on how you look at it.
Nonetheless, heavy injuries are sustained on both sides.
Our hero returns home, where he is super depressed about his flat looking like the set of a Pinter play.
He’s too distraught to even notice that he’s watching footage of him and Jellyfish Girl on an unplugged television set with no DVD or video player.
So hysterical is he, in fact, he forgets to undress before showering.
But our hero soon gets distracted and starts eye-fucking himself in the mirror he just punched.
Then, some more people sit in parked cars.
I honestly thought this was a new female character the first time I watched this video. It is in fact, our hero, all tarted up and ready to raise hell.
When not a single person compliments his alice band, our hero flips out.
But soon regains his cool by scrambling on to the bonnet of the car.
This dickhead just sits inside, smugly rap-taunting him.
The window is open so you’d think our hero would just go around the side of the car and punch him, right??
Instead, like a spinning dervish of pink fury, he executes a perfect pirouette. Take that, White Denim Jacket Guy!
At no point does anyone attempt to drive away.
Then, our hero dons his grey beanie of rage, and all hell breaks loose …
He starts bumping into unsuspecting funeral directors …
Breaks some more mirrors.
He lobs a chicken out a window.
Meanwhile, Jellyfish Girl cries. But not is a blotchy mucus-ey way, in a pretty way.
She must be upset because she’s one corner of a love triangle … and the other two corners are turds.
Oh wait, no, it’s cancer, obviously.
But, like a trooper, Jellyfish Girl dons her white beanie of stoicism and takes up her role as healthiest looking dying person ever.
She spends her last few days staring bravely out the window while three arseholes wear leather waistcoats and take up most of her hospital bed.
Our hero races to be at his beloved’s side.
But stops on the way to do this:
As she is wheeled in to surgery, Jellyfish Girl continues to look remarkably like she isn’t dying of cancer.
A tear does creep in to her eye as she realises she spent the last months of her short life mainly sitting in parked cars watching two cross-dressing teenagers angrily sing at each other.
After sprinting across the city, and hurtling through the hospital …
… our hero decides to bring things down to a slow saunter when he runs in to his nemesis. Rushing to be with dying loved ones is pretty lame.
In a stunning plot twist, Nemesis proposes.
‘… way happier than the jellyfish dying in the next room.’
But instead of, like, going to see her before she kicks the bucket, our hero does a lot of this:
Jellyfish Girl dies. Has the courtesy to do it very elegantly.
Then they wheel the corpse out in to the corridor … I’m pretty sure this isn’t how hospitals work …
Maybe I’m jaded and cynical from all the heroin I’ve been doing, and this video is in fact a heart-wrenching romantic tragedy, but I just feel that if my boyfriend spent that much time with my ex-boyfriend while I was slowly dying of an incurable illness, I might have questions. It doesn’t matter though, because Jellyfish Girl is gone, leaving our two heroes to pursue their relationship without having to worry about whether to invite her to the wedding.
All images in this post are property of YG Entertainment.