Let’s All Stop Pretending Periods are Fun and Awesome

Fashion brand Monki have just launched a campaign championing a confusing medley of fem-now issues including masturbation, body hair, and periods.

Now, I’m all for normalising these things – women shouldn’t have to hide the fact that we are actual humans with pubic hair. So far so great. And you know, I can even make my peace with the fact that this is being done by Monki, who have about as much to do with feminism as this small china cat ornament has to do with Brangelina’s divorce, because the fact is big brands have big money, and if they choose to put that money towards good causes, even if it’s done for cynical reasons, that’s ultimately a good thing.

But then there’s this.

Time to stop seeing something so normal as something women should be embarrassed by. It’s just a period. It’s cool, it’s fine. It’s normal. pic.twitter.com/ZvdWGXn6kQ

— Monki (@monkiworld) 2016年9月21日

The film features musician Kiran Gandhi, who looks too cool to be my friend, telling us her favourite thing about periods. Which is a little like trying to come up with your number one best memory of a time someone punched you in the face.

What is her favourite thing about periods? ‘Anyone around the world that has one can relate. It’s something that crosses race boundaries, cultural boundaries, age boundaries, norms boundaries.’

I mean, true, but the same could be said of coughing … or thumbs.

Look, guys, let’s all just admit that periods are the worst. THE WORST. If they didn’t exist and someone came to you one day and said ‘I’ve got a fun surprise – you get to bleed out of your vagina once a month for the rest of your child-bearing life.’ Your response would not be ‘Sounds like fun! I hope there are expensive accessories I get to stuff up myself to stem the crimson tide!’ It would be ‘WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU CURSING ME WITH THIS YOU GARBAGE PERSON?’

Periods are unpleasant, boring, and messy. They ruin holidays. They ruin weddings. They ruin trousers. They hurt. They cost you money. Other than the fact that they indicate a functioning womb, there is literally nothing cool about periods. Please Monki, don’t pretend there is.

I get what this campaign is trying to do. It’s trying to get us all to love our periods and then the period shame will end and we’ll all join blood-stained hands and sing songs.

I have another idea. Let’s all of us – women and men – admit that periods are just terrible. The key is for men to understand that we’re even more inconvenienced by the monthly blood letting than they are. The next time your boyfriend groans when you tell him you’re on your period, reply ‘I know – periods are awful for me too. Let me list the ways.’

We need to stop pretending that periods are somehow something women are responsible for, like we’re gleefully ejecting our womb lining once a month just to make men sad, and accept that they are a crap thing that happens to women, and indirectly and to a lesser degree, to men. They’re no one’s fault and they’re everyone’s problem. Now join me, brothers and sisters, as we unite against our common enemy: The Period.